IT SHOULD OF BEEN

MEG.

Halloween costume idea

Pause button.

Thanksgiving atheist

Shitty belts

So I'm confused. If I buckel my belt after shitting before I wash my hands, don't I get shit on my belt? How would I get to the sink if I didn't buckle my belt. Would I do an awkward waddle to keep my pants up? And if you say I don't have shit on my hands so it won't get on my belt, then why am I wasting all this soap and water washing my hands?

Agents of shield is like a Batman spin off...

Of just Alfred.

Candy Crush The Movie

I heard Samuel L. Jackson is going to be in it. He's in everything.

Person bad at sarcasm

I'm insulting you!

24 hour protection Use twice a day

That is like saying the glass is full if you get two optimistic people to contribute their half full glasses.

Back story

Flash back to being stranded on an island and being taught by a fellow stradie how to watch tv.

Sesame Street

Apparently Sesame Street is in New York according to the intro of the new Sesame Street. Or so I'm told.

Candy crush unlimited lives and pornhub

Changing your phone's time ahead a few hours gives you five lives in candy crush.

Changing your phone ahead by a day gives you five free pornhub videos.

Two things I do over and over.

We are in the future now.

How about a post apocalyptic movie where the computers have flat screens.

Breaking Bad, GTA V, Candy Crush

Things that are a disappointing waist of time.

Candy crush

Really likes my battery.

Just because

The Best Someecards Of The Week - http://huff.to/1gHqH1X

Personality enhancers

Boobs.

Random Youtube Video

Google Chromecast burned ready to cast into my tv

Just saying. Come on Google,  get a screen saver.

Fuck you, this one is silent!

Donut bagel

I accidentally got donut on my bagel and it was delicious!

Pancakes on a bagel sounds good too but I haven't tried it yet.

Porn plot

I know I'm getting older when I'm more interested in the negotiation for the price to paint the room then the fucking.

Dog puke

The only time wild dogs don't eat meat is when they eat grass so they can throw up, so dog food that isn't all meat should make dogs puke.

Waiting to poop

It's what life is all about.

Fucking socks

I fuck socks so much I get an erection seeing them laying around. They look all sexy on purpose to tease me.

Lactation cookies? What about cocksucking cookies?

Yeah! What about that?

Blasé baby

I think it would be funny if babies had a blasé expression on their face when they experienced new things and then when we got older, then we got all excited about peek a boo.

Bad grandpa

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MSrAwfagG4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Glass ceiling fan

Where you don't get promoted and you get slapped in the face for trying.

Lightships are expensive

memory-beta.wikia.com/wiki/Bajoran_lightship

How could Commander Benjamin Sisko afford to build the Baraka, a replica of a Bajoran lightship on his Star Fleet salary?

Half man

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R32by29mSsE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Irobot meets Aliens cargo moving suit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ysb-Oko3Bg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Secret identity unless...

you click info on the movie and then you're out of luck Bruce Wayne.

Insert long joke

Summer Solstice Arrives -- With A Twist - http://huff.to/19Vr0ao

I'd rather be...

Alphabetical internet

Learning the order of the alphabet was a waste of time because the internet isn't in alphabetical order.

Tandem comedy

Like tandem sky diving where I'm strapped to a professional to experience what I'm not skilled enough to do alone, I want to be strapped to a funny comedian while on stage so I can experience laughter.

Equal

There may be no equal to the construction materials that came in this box, but there may be greater than.

Your mom

Like.

Sometimes I think Facebook is a valley girl.
Eric: "Hey Facebook, when did I leave this comment?"
Facebook: "Like, two minutes ago."

Kryptonite

Lois: I love you Clark.
Superman: I love you too Lois. You're my kryptnite.
Lois: That's really sweet, but please let me out of this lead box.

Pole pruner

It's really long.

Caulk

Insert cock joke here.
(That's what she said.)

Nice bike Luc

Nothing.

Made you look.

Mac n Cheese!

Dog lamp

New post. I like pink.

Pink!

Cigarette gum

I think I also remember syringe candy you squirt in your mouth. Do they make crack pipe candy?

Did the battlecam house copter crash?

Helicopter Crash In Acton, Calif. Kills Three On Reality TV Crew (VIDEO): via HuffPost http://huff.to/12ibNrL

How do ky bottles have sex with each other?

Do they use Astroglide?

Road trip song!

Watch "DERP SONG 10 HOURS" on YouTube

Restrooms...

are that way. Alllllright.

Humane Society

Save gas. When you put down your old dog, adopt a replacement dog on your way out.

Please spam here.

Please spam hollow complements and links to your blog here.

(Readers: Don't click on the spam links. They might be viruses. I wouldn't know though.  I haven't clicked on them.)

Donate blood

Free cookies.

Bike hook

If you are not strong enough to lift a bike over your head, then no bike ride for you.

Really small claims lawsuit app

I'd like an app that would let people sue other people and settle the suit on the spot. The limit would be $40.

Dog knocks little food plate upside down

Try knocking over this huge bowl, bitch!

Dog pee

Real talk

It's the new "seriously".

French bread

Yummy Pho French bread sandwich.

Over documenting guy.

Part 1 of 4,839: Boots.

Burr

It's freezing.

Linked periods

My sleep schedule is linked with my guy friend just like women friends link menstruation.

And losing is half the battle too.

I don't know shit. Poof. Half the battle.

Anonymous

If you weren't so complimentary I'd be jealous that you're funnier than me.

Obvious cookie

No shit. It being unique is what makes it a personality.

Marilyn Monroe talking to her dog.

Who has a... cold nose?
Who has a... cold nose?
Mr. President has a... cold nose.
Yes... you do.
Yes... you do.

It's dark in here.

I can't see shit.

Decorating argument.

Yes, we have been arguing but I told Mandy she can't use chemicals when she is pregnant so when she gets mad I clean for her. We're ok now. We made up.

I had no idea.

Do people even follow hockey?

Tv show sharing

I started watching a show on Netflix and my girlfriend said only to watch it with her because she likes it too. I told her that if I wait for her then I'll never get to watch any tv by myself because she likes almost all my shows.
She understands.
So now I either update her on the storyline or watch a different show that I don't even like because I know she won't like it either.

Free feeding

It's all about portion control.

Upright potty

What's up with your shit?